Yami no Therapy
by KawaiiBlackMoon
Summary: Tatsumi had enough of Hisoka's PMS so he arranges a counseling with a local counselor. Too bad it makes him PMS more. Warning: Very OOC


Disclaimer: I don't own YnM, but I do own the 4 DVDs and 11 volumes of YnM and also an YnM mechanical pencil, hand towel and a pencil board…does that count?

KBM: Yay! My first Yami No Matsuei fanfic!

Hisoka: And the title is Yami No Therapy? O.o; I have a bad feeling about this…

KBM: Muwahahahahaha! I got this idea from this one Evangelion ficcie! It was so funny…if you're (somehow) reading this, you're my idol!

* * *

****

Session 1

Counselor: (sitting right in front of Hisoka) Why, hello there Ms. Kurosaki, how are you doing today?

Hisoka: (sitting on a couch) I'M NOT A FUCKING WOMAN DAMMIT!

Counselor: Oops, my bad, anyway, how are you doing MR. Kurosaki?

Hisoka: (murmurs) Damn petulant bitch…

Counselor: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME BOY! I mean, that doesn't exactly answer my question…(twitch, twitch)

Hisoka: I was forced here by Tatsumi san because I was PMSing too much and angry all the time like a pregnant woman! He said if I didn't go, he would dock my pay and I'll also have to pay for 1/3 of the damage Tsuzuki and Terazuma san made 7 years ago! DO YOU THINK I'M HAPPY RIGHT NOW! I THINK NOT!

Counselor: Ah…now I certainly know the reason why you're here… Well, why don't you tell me about yourself?

Hisoka: How about I don't?

Counselor: You do know that I'm getting paid for this and you're wasting money if you do not do as I tell you to do, right?

Hisoka: Like I care! It's not MY money anyway…

Counselor: But I'm sure someone else does…say…Tatsumi san's money going down the drain…

Hisoka: (has an image of evil Tatsumi watering potted plants back in Juoucho with evil aura all around him) O.O IwasbornonOctober18,1980inKanagawa,hateMuraki,bloodtypeAB,favoritecolorisblue,Ilikefingerfoods,Idon'tlikesweets,hateMurakiandmyfamily,andIcurrentlyworkwithTsuzukiAsatowhodefinesthewordidiotandIhateMurakiandmyfather!

Counselor: Err…(thinking about the last thing she heard) What about your father?

Hisoka: I hate him

Counselor: Why is that?

Hisoka: None of your business -.-

Counselor: (in a sing-song-voice) Money going down the drain, drain, drain!

Hisoka: Damn you…-.-

Counselor: Now, tell me about your childhood…

Hisoka: (in a whisper) I had no childhood..

Counselor: Pardon? O.o;

Hisoka: I SAID I HAD NO CHILDHOOD!

Counselor: O.O;

Hisoka: You heard me right, I.HAD.NO.**CHILDHOOD**! My fucking parents locked me up in a friggin' cell with no fucking light or water or even a Enma damned bathroom and left me there for weeks just because I'm an emapth! They say I'm the heir to the family and they lock me up in a damn cell! Only childhood memory I had is talking to my imaginary friend Bob, a pile of lint named George and my animal friends Twinkie and Winkie! T-T I miss them…

Counselor: Err…O.O; (scoots away from Hisoka) I…see…

Hisoka: I would have became the family heir and dump my parents in a retirement home and let them rot there for all eternity but noooooooooooo! THAT FUCKING MURAKI COMES ALONG AND-

Counselor: I THINK THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH FOR TODAY! How about we have a little talk with your father perhaps? That'll make things better…

Hisoka: O.O No.

Counselor: Why not? It's not like he's sick or anything…right? Or busy…

Hisoka: Lady, you don't understand, my father thinks I'm-

Counselor: Enough now, I have to go clubbing with my friends in 5 minutes! Well, I'll send a letter to your father and we'll have another session in 3 days, good-bye now!

Hisoka: Hey! Listen to me when I'm talking to you, you bitch! I said-

Counselor: (kicks Hisoka out of the room) Bye! I'll talk with your father about your bad language and behavior problems as well!

Hisoka: (door slams right in front of his face) ……damn…

****

Session 2

Counselor: Oh my, I thought I wrote I wanted to talk to Mr. Kurosaki's father not his mother..

Nagare: I'M NOT A FUCKING WOMAN DAMMIT!

Counselor: Oh my…sorry, my mistake…

Nagare: (murmurs) Damn petulant bitch…(just realized Hisoka was next to him) O.O

Counselor: Well, now we know where Hisoka got that foul mouth of his…anyways, I'm glad you came MR. Kurosaki…err…what's wrong?

Nagare: O.O (staring at Hisoka who is sitting next to him on the sofa)

Hisoka: -.-; (trying to scoot away from Nagare) Hey there pops.

Counselor: You don't sound like you've seen him in a while-

Nagare: IN A WHILE! MY SON DIED BY AN INCURABLE ILLNESS 8 YEARS AGO! AND EVEN IF HE'S STILL ALIVE, HE SHOULD BE 24 YEARS OLD, NOT 16 WHICH IS WHEN HE DIED 8 YEARS AGO! O.O

Counselor: O.O; Err…you must be mistaken, Mr. Kurosaki Hisoka here-

Nagare: That's not my SON! I'm telling you he died 8 fucking years ago!

Counselor: Now, cussing isn't the answer here-

Nagare: What kind of "My son died 8 fucking years ago!" do you not understand you bitch!

Counselor: You two are father and son no doubt about that. You both called me a bitch and seems so use the word "fuck" a lot.

Nagare and Hisoka: Ah fuck, fuck, fuck.

Counselor: See?

Nagare: He ain't my son.

Counselor: Then whose son is he, mine? I think not!

Nagare: He may look like my son, and act like my son, and silent like my son, but he's not my son.

Hisoka: I am

Nagare: No you're not

Hisoka: Yes I am

Nagare: No you're not

Hisoka: Yes I am

Nagare: No you're not

Hisoka: Yes I am

Nagare: No you're not

Hisoka: Yes I am

Nagare: No you're not

Hisoka: Yes I am

Nagare: No you're not

Hisoka: Yes I am

Nagare: No you're not

Hisoka: No I'm not

Nagare: Yes you are

Hisoka: No I'm not

Nagare: Yes you are

Hisoka: No I'm not

Nagare: Yes you are

Hisoka: No I'm not

Nagare: Yes you are

Hisoka: Fine, I am -.-;

Nagare: Good! So you finally understand that he is, in fact, my son

Counselor: That's what we've been trying to tell you for the past 2 pages…

Nagare: …wait a minute…that's not what I said!

Hisoka: What a stupid ass…

Nagare: Didn't your parents taught you any respect boy?

Hisoka: They were too busy locking me up in a cell to teach me ANYTHING!

Nagare: That's some jacked up parents…

Hisoka: I know, and that means YOU'RE a jacked up parent…

Nagare: For the last time, I am not your father!

Hisoka: You are and it pains me to say it! I HATE YOU BASTARD!

Nagare: I don't even know you!

Hisoka: Yes you do!

Nagare: No I don't!

Hisoka: Yes you do!

Nagare: No I don't!

Hisoka: Yes you do!

Nagare: No I don't!

Hisoka: Yes you do!

Nagare: No I don't!

Hisoka: Yes yo-

Counselor: SHUT THE HELL UP!

Nagare and Hisoka: …

Counselor: Hisoka, please explain why your father thinks you are dead

Nagare: For the love of God, he's not-(get hit by the Therapist's hooker boots)

Counselor: SILENCE MORTAL!

Nagare: Eep! O.O

Hisoka: o.O; Anyways, he's right…I'm dead.

Nagare: Ha! I told you!

Counselor: …-.-;

Hisoka: -.-; As I said, I'm dead but I'm still here because I'm a Shinigami

Nagare: My son, a shinigami? You must be joking! That stupid ass can't do anything for shit!

Hisoka: Oh yeah? I'll show you shit, you jack ass! (hits Nagare's head with a ashtray)

Counselor: o.O An ashtray? I never knew I had that…

Nagare: X.X AWW! I ORDER YOU TO STOP!

Hisoka: I ain't listening to you, old man, I'm fucking 23! I'm an adult now and even if I'm a child, I still won't listen to you and your voice sounds like a cow giving birth to an elephant!

Nagare: At least I don't look like a pansy!

Hisoka: YOU BASTARD!

Nagare: BRAT!

Hisoka: JACK ASS! (throws a potted plant at Nagare)

Nagare: (unconscious)

Counselor: That was my potted plant…;-; err…I mean, how awful (cough, cough)

Hisoka: I KILLED HIM! After all that years of pain and suffering… MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Counselor: (checks Nagare's pulse) Actually, he's still alive…

Hisoka: Damn!

Counselor: I think it'd be better for me to talk with one of your work partners…

Hisoka: …when will it ever end? -.-;

****

Session 3

Counselor: Hello there Mr. Tsuzuki

Tsuzuki: Please, just call me Tsuzuki! Mr. Tsuzuki make be sound old…-.-;

Counselor: I…see…anyway, I called you here in regarding of Mr. Kurosaki Hisoka. I heard that you're his work partner?

Tsuzuki: Yup! 'Soka-chan's my lovable partner!

Counselor: Lovable? O.o; (thinking) That brat lovable? I think that man's insane…

Tsuzuki: He may not open to lot of people, but he's very kind!

Counselor: Are we talking about the same person may I ask?

Tsuzuki: Hmm…we are talking about Kurosaki Hisoka, the 24 year old man in a 16 year old boy's body, green eyes and light brown hair, have a short temper and looks like a girl?

Counselor: That's him…-.-;

Tsuzuki: Well, he's like the way he is now because of his parents, and Muraki…

Counselor: Muraki? Hmm…his name sounds familiar…

Tsuzuki: Let's just say he's a child molesting lunatic who do whatever he wants, kills other people like crazy, bi-sexual, creepy, freaky, crazy mofo who gets his strength by people's blood like a fucking vampire! (shudders)

Counselor: O.O I think he needs a therapy…hmm…(whispers to herself) another way to make money so I can save up for another potted plant…

Tsuzuki: Could you repeat that?

Counselor: Err…I mean….umm…would you like some apple pie or some sake?

Tsuzuki: APPLE PIE! SAKE!

Counselor: Hahahah…

(10 minutes later)

Tsuzuki: (dead drunk) (sob) And they threw rocks at me and…and…I MISS MY SISTER! Ruka-neesan! T-T

Counselor: I see…well, that's really…a sad childhood…-.-;

Tsuzuki: (sob) And…everybody hates me! They think I'm a monster (sob) so they all left me! (sob)

Counselor: …(reading God Child manga) Cain is hot…(drools)

(30 minutes later)

Tsuzuki: 'Soka chan's been my partner ever since that case at Nagasaki!

Counselor: I see…well, I think it's best for you AND Mr. Kurosaki if I have a little talk with Mr. Muraki

Tsuzuki: O.O AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! (runs away screaming)

Counselor: ……………………………

****

Session 4

Counselor: Why, hello there Dr. Muraki

Muraki: Why am I here? I am a very busy man

Counselor: Err…well, I called you here to talk about Mr. Kurosaki Hisoka

Muraki: That kid? (murmurs) I guess I should teach that kid a lesson or two again…

Counselor: Excuse me? O.o;

Muraki: Nothing

Counselor: Anyways, how long have you been known each other?

Muraki: Who knows…I "knew" him ever since he was about 13 I think

Counselor: How did you meet?

Muraki: …

Counselor: I assure you that nothing will get out of this room that will either damage your reputation or endanger your life or being imprisoned

Muraki: How…assuring…

Counselor: Now spill you jack ass-I mean, good sir…

Muraki: -.-; I met him when I was killing this one bitch, who-I-cannot-remember, under the sakura tree. I saw a pretty girl who witnessed my murder and I couldn't let her escape for she can call the police so I tied her down with her kimono and saw that the girl was actually a boy

Counselor: O.O;;

Muraki: I was surprised but I was kinda drunk at the time because of my college reunion party so I XXXXX and then XXXX and so I XXX-

Counselor: O.O I think you don't need to tell me any details…

Muraki: ….okay…I raped him and cursed him so he had to suffer for 3 years in pain and agony making him begging for death until he finally died

Counselor: O.O;;;

Muraki: That's pretty much how I met him…-.-

Counselor: O.O Oh my…no wonder he's so fucked up…and what of Mr. Tsuzuki Asato?

Muraki: Ah…beautiful Tsuzuki-san…(heart x3)

Counselor: O.O; Err…

Muraki: I was looking through my grandfather's stuff looking for something to sell for pocket money (KBM: Kinda like Hikaru No Go…LOL) but I found his old medical records. It said that one of his patients survived without food or water for 8 years-

Counselor: Without going to the bathroom? OR A SHOWER! O.O

Muraki: o.O;; Err…I'm not so sure about that…and I quite don't want to know…anyways, I was very interested of this man. I found a picture of him and he was HOT!

Counselor: o.O;

Muraki: He was just gorgeous with his violet eyes…I instantly fell in love with him and I soon found him, my true love! Of course I was engaged with Ukyou-san but screw her…she's not a pretty as dear Tsuzuki-san

Counselor: Wow…O.O You people REALLY need some therapy…who else did you kill?

Muraki: Well, I lost count around 126401958 actually…but my record of Killing Most People In One Day was when I sunk Queen Camellia…I probably killed about a little over a thousand or so…like The Titanic except with bombs instead of ice burgs…

Counselor: Ice burg, not burgs

Muraki: Same difference

Counselor: But I must say…WHY did you do it?

Muraki: What do you mean?

Counselor: Why did you kill over 126401958 people?

Muraki: It's all for science! I was experimenting to revive my dead half brother so that I can kill him with own HANDS! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Counselor: …why do you want to kill your half brother when he's already fucking dead? Aren't you supposed to be HAPPY that he's dead?

Muraki: He killed my parents! Damn bastard! HE tried to kill ME as well but my butler killed him…-.-; I want revenge. REVENGE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Counselor: …got any friends?

Muraki: Actually, I do…

****

Session 5

Counselor: Thank you so much for coming Ms. Oriya…

Oriya: I'm a male lady…

Counselor: Oh crap! Not again! What the heck is up with you people looking like women?

Oriya: I was born this way…

Counselor: Anyways, this is not why I called you here…

Oriya: Is this about Muraki? -.-;;

Counselor: o.O How on EARTH did you know?

Oriya: Well, seeing as I'm his only friend, people call me because of his…"research" and whatnot

Counselor: I'm going to ask you one thing…WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THAT FUCKED UP LUNATIC! (cough) Excuse me for my sudden outburst…

Oriya: Err…yea…well, he's like this way because of his past. It all happened when we were around 15 or 16. His father brought a boy his age and said that he was his brother named Saki

Counselor: Reminds me of someone I know…(cough)

Oriya: Of course, Kazutaka was pretty pissed because he had to share his Victorian dolls with Saki and also because his father went at it like a rabid bunny with another woman other than his mother

Counselor: What a soap opera…

Oriya: Well, Saki killed his father and soon Kazutaka's mother

Counselor: o.O;

Oriya: Yea…he had a fucked up life…then Saki tried to kill him but the butler stopped him-

Counselor: Butler? Damn! The guy must've been HELLA rich foo!

Oriya: Err…o.O; Yes…he….was…anyways, he wants to bring the guy back to life

Counselor: …ever heard of Philosopher's Stone? With the help of Alchemy, they said that you could bring some dead dude back to life!

Oriya: Hmm…I must tell Muraki! (runs off)

Counselor: …your welcome? -.- Don't I get any thanks anymore?

****

Session 6

Counselor: Thank you very much for coming Mister…err…Hakushaku? What the fuck's name is that?

Hakushaku: Well, it's more like a name…

Counselor: Oooooh…you mean like Hakushaku Cain except he's richer and hotter than you?

Hakushaku: (twitch) err…yes… (twitch)

Counselor: So do tell me about your relationship with Mr. Kurosaki…err…junior

Hakushaku: He's a well-mannered kid…he's educated and very mature for his age…although he acts like a brat at times

Counselor: A normal answer for once in my life! Thank you! looking up at the skies Thank you God for this normal session! T-T (tears of pure utter joy)

Hakushaku: Although I'd prefer Tsuzuki san in my bed but I wouldn't mind doing it with him

Counselor: ….huh? O.o;

Hakushaku: Ahh…beautiful Tsuzuki san…his gorgeous amethyst eyes and his delicious tanned skin…(drools) I REALLY won't mind doing XXXXX and some XXXX and more XXXX in XXXX and XXXXXXX at XXXXX while we XXX!

Counselor: O.O; (looking up at the skies once more) WHY! WHY MUST I HAVE SUCH JACKED UP JOB! WHY?

Hakushaku: Speaking of jacking, (looks down to his joystick XD) my-

Counselor: (cuts him off) AAAAAAAAH! I DON'T WANNA KNOW! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! (kicks him out of the room)

Hakushaku: (thrown out) o.O;

Counselor: (slams the door) whew… (looks down) huh?

Watson: (looks up) Hello

Counselor: What…the….HELL! IT'S RESIDENT EVIL LIVE ACTION! AAAAAAAAHHH! (kicks Watson out the window) (curls up in a corner) Zombies aren't real….zombies aren't real….

****

Outside on the streets

Random Guy: My wife left me for a manga editor, my mother just died of cancer, my son's gay and he's going out with my father, my daughter's pregnant with my brother's baby, I just got fired from my job, my house was destroyed by a tornado, I have no insurance, and I just got raped by a Chihuahua, could this day get any worse?

Watson: (falls on Random Guy)

Random Guy: x.X Oww…what the? (looks at Watson) O.O HOLY CRAP! BLOODY MURDER! AAAAAAAHH! (runs around mad) AAAAAAAAAAAAAA- (gets hit by a random truck) Owww…I'm still alive! What's this? AAAAAAAAAAAAH! My legs are gone! Boo hoo hoo! I hate my life!

Watson: …(walks off)

****

Session 7

Counselor: Hello (twitch) everyone…(twitch)

Hisoka, Tsuzuki, Tatsumi, Watari, Wakaba, Terazuma, Hakushaku, Oriya, Muraki, Nagare: (sitting on the couch facing the counselor)

Counselor: Well, I was tired of you all, so I'm going to have a final session with all of you. Besides, I got hella money off of you people anyways!

Tatsumi: (glares)

Everyone else besides the counselor: Eheheheheh…

Counselor: Now, tell me about your problems

Everyone: (talking all at once)

Counselor: (takes out a whip) SILENCE!

Everyone: O.O

Counselor: One by one damn you! I can't listen to ya'll talking all at once!

Hisoka: I was raped by a serial killer!

Tsuzuki: People think I'm a monster because of my eyes!

Tatsumi: I have to work with money wasting MORONS!

Wakaba: Everyone made fun of me when I was a wee child!

Terazuma: I can't get laid because I turn into a monster every time I tried!

Hakushaku: Tsuzuki san won't sleep with me!

Muraki: My stepbrother destroyed my family!

Oriya: I have a child raping, serial killer friend!

Nagare: I'm constantly being raped by a snake demon!

Watari: …

Everyone else: Well?

Watari: …

Tatsumi: Hmm…(puts his hand on Watari's shoulder) (his hand goes right through Watari) That BASTARD! It's a hologram!

Tsuzuki: Why couldn't he take me with him? (sniff)

Hisoka: Why me!

Counselor: Well, you all clearly have problems with each other or angry with certain people, and only way to solve this problem is through G Rated violence!

Muraki: G Rated? I always used X Rated violence-

Hisoka: (shudders)

Muraki: Do they even exist?

Counselor: Well, I have these boxing gloves that are made of special sponge that will not hurt anyone no matter how much you punch!

Oriya: Hmm…(takes the gloves and puts it on) (punches Muraki's face)

Muraki: It doesn't hurt

Counselor: No shit Sherlock! It better not hurt either, I paid bloody 250 bucks for each of those!

Everyone else: (puts on the gloves)

Tatsumi: (punches Tsuzuki) This might be actually worth my time…

Everyone: (starts to punch each other and having hell of a fun)

Counselor: (satisfied) (smiles)

Hisoka: ….eheheheh…..fufuffufufu………ahah..a.h…..ahahh……ahhhhahahahahah….

Everyone: (stops looks at Hisoka like he's on peyote)

Hisoka: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (rip offs the gloves and punches Muraki and Nagare like there's no tomorrow)

Nagare: OW, OW, OW, OW! YOU BASTARD!

Muraki: YOU WANT TO PLAY ROUGH BOY? (takes off the gloves)

Tsuzuki: 'SOKA-CHAN! STOP! (gets punched by Terazuma)

Terazuma: YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE BITCH!

Tsuzuki: LEAVE ME ALONE YOU FREAK SHOW!

Wakaba: I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THIS CRAP! (hits Terazuma) ACT YOUR AGE FOR ONCE YOU ICE-COLD BASTARD! STOP HARRASSING OTHERS!

Terazuma: YOU LITTLE BITCH! (slaps Wakaba)

Wakaba: HOW DARE YOU! (slaps him back)

Oriya: After all those years of serving as your errand boy, what did I get? NOTING! (punches Muraki) ANY THANKS OR WORDS OF APPRECIATION! (kicks Muraki's sacred place LOL) NO! IT'S ALWAYS YOUR BROTHER, BROTHER, BROTHER? WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS YOU INCEST LOVING BASTARD! (head butts Muraki)

Muraki: (twitching on the ground)

Hisoka: (rips Nagare's hair off of his head)

Nagare: OUCH! You ungrateful little BRAT! (attacks Hisoka to the ground)

Hakushaku: Oh my! I've never seen Tsuzuki-san THIS aggressive! It's making me turn on!

Everyone else besides the counselor: (glares at Hakushaku) ATTACK!

Hakushaku: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! (gets tackled to the ground by the angry mob)

Counselor: (hair turned completely white) o.o

Counseling Room: (looks like World War III broke out) (Counselor's Loveless pencil boards are in pieces and her Spiral Candles are broken in half and her Gundam SEED figures are broken and all over the place)

Counselor: O.O AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Everyone: (stops) O.O;;

Counselor: (gets out her katana which she got for $20 which she bribed some random lady to buy it for he 'cause she wasn't old enough at an anime convention) I KILL YOU ALL!

Everyone: (backs into a corner knowing not to anger a fan girl)

Counselor: MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA (foaming at the mouth while her right eye twitches)

Everyone: SECURITY! ANYONE!

Random people in white coats and a large net: (drags the counselor away)

Counselor: AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAA!

Everyone: (watches her as she and the Mental Hospital workers walk/drag away)

Tatsumi: …does this mean I don't have to pay her anymore? (evil glint in his eyes)

* * *

KBM: Well, that's that! No flames please! It makes me cry…

Hisoka: …

KBM: Please review! It'll make me happy!

Hisoka: They're not gonna care about what you think you moron

KBM: A girl can dream, can't she?

Hisoka: …

KBM: …

Hisoka: …

KBM: What?

Hisoka: You're a girl?

KBM: …


End file.
